Update and all that

Dear Sade,

I wanted to write this letter since the beginning of January but as you know, (wo)man proposes, adulting disposes. I kept looking for a way to summarise the past 30 days in a few paragraphs. On some other days, I was simply crippled by fear; unsure if I wanted to start the new year with the not-so-pleasant stories. Forgive my manners, Happy new year!

I think I mentioned over the phone how I spent the greater part of last year really unhappy. Random tears. The need to shut everything and everyone out. Dealing with impure thoughts and all that. Maybe because I had unrealistic expectations. Maybe because I kept waiting for that one great thing to happen- a career shift. It didn’t really happen and I kept postponing happiness, hinging it on one thing. I knew that was dangerous but I believed that being focused on it will help me…work harder towards getting one. So every day was filled with anticipation, a longing for that big break. It didn’t happen and I remember feeling empty whilst in service on the 31st of December. I felt like I had let myself down. Felt like God was probably punishing me for the financial vows I made years ago that I didn’t fully fulfil.

I know that God is a good God and won’t withhold the best things of life from me. But sometimes, my human mind struggles with a lot of things. I feel like I wasted money, time and efforts upskilling last year. And whilst everyone says that ‘no knowledge is a waste’, I beg to differ at this point. True, those classes made me realize how much I do not know but something just felt off last year.

Having spent the entire year sad and unhappy, in a constant state of wishing someone’s career success was mine, I took a decision to be happy this year regardless. I think I tried to, the first 2 weeks of January. But now I’m back to longing for this one thing my heart won’t let go of. I think it’s worse now- I’m so exhausted that it takes me so much time to grasp a new thing. I’m afraid of trying, of starting over, of all the unanswered questions I have. Who am I? Am I learning because I really love learning or because I’ve been consumed with getting a job that learning has become a means to an end? What if I actually never get that job? will I keep postponing my happiness and end up miserable? Am I really and truly employable as much as I think I am? Is this part of the whole process? Is this God’s way of teaching me to be content with temporal ‘obscurity’ just as Jesus was? Am I trying to do life a particular way instead of following God’s plan for my life?

Having all these questions and silence instead of answers messes with my head. I’ve toyed with the idea of starting a support group for people like me- people who want to simply be but do not know what in the world they’re doing or how to even be. I don’t know If I can, should a blind person lead other blind people? I do not want it to be one of these other projects I do not finish? Did I tell you that I got into this program that requires going to work for a company for 30 days? The daily commute is too much for me. I’m unable to breathe, unable to relax in public buses. I feel like I’ll get into the wrong hands again and go through the traumatizing kidnapping thing again. I talk to God about this, but even when I bid my soul stay calm, and tell my heart to beat less frantically….nothing works. I feel like I’m back to step 0.5

Maybe I’ll create a support group. One for people who have been through stuff like this and are trying to be normal again. I’ll tell God about it and take a step if he says to. If not, I’ll focus on learning- not for job purposes alone but because I truly enjoy learning and solving problems with what I’ve learned. I’ll build stuff, even if it’s laughable with all I’m learning. I’ll deliberately be happy. Maybe try and do other things that make me feel like me. I’m telling you, so you can remind me of these commitments when I forget. Because hope must be kept alive. Because I want to live, fully.

Since this isn’t Mariama Ba’s so long a letter, I’ll end here and simply refresh my email every day for your response. Lol….Take care!

Everything warm and snuggly,

Zee.

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