THINKING ABOUT NUMBER 2

This is probably an emotional subject. The idea of number two. Another one. It was much easier to get everyone on the same page for the first time, whether you’d been trying for ages or the positive result was a little surprise. The chances are more people were in the same space first time round. Not everyone, but a fair amount.

Now, as you cradle your first born or watch them cruise around the living room hanging on to the sofa for dear life, you may be starting to think of doing it all over again. Or not.

Why is it so emosh? Is it because you’re still so deeply entrenched in baby number 1’s infanthood? Or is it because you know all the work that another baby will bring but you’re prepared to do it so you can hug two little beings?

I’ll be honest. I have no idea. My love is deep and resolute but I just seem to be so very practical when it comes to planning lives. Someone I know said that she didn’t plan any of her children. Her three children. I asked if she’d left it up to chance, but no, it was really three little unplanned surprises. My teeth get itchy thinking about that.

Another friend had two babies in two years but she was concrete in her thinking and took it all in her stride. Two in nappies — bish bash bosh — and then all in school before too long. She is the most loving and soft woman in the world but she just likes to know what’s coming.

When number one reached two, I thought that would be my time to think about another baby. It didn’t happen for 18 months, but I was glad to have her and glad that my son was of an age where he could put his shoes on all by himself when my daughter did arrive.

I bumped into (literally) a friend from school who was pregnant. I commented on the longest pregnancy in history and she said that she’d had the first one and was pregnant again. She looked pretty pregnant but also still in shock that she would be having another baby soon. She’d had such difficulty the first time that she thought it would be another two years before she got pregnant. Took her two weeks.

When thinking about when to go again, are you able to bite off what you can chew? How does your partner feel? Are you just about hanging in there while they’re dancing in the door from work, ready to whisk you up to the bedroom to give it another go?

What if, deep down, you know that you’re done at one? How do you raise that in conversation? Or do you wait until your baby gets a bit older before committing either way. There does seem to be a tipping point in society that means these conversations will start happening around you.

I peoplewatch. A lot. I listen to what people say and how they say it. I’m not really bothered what anyone else does in their life. Their choice, their decisions, their responsibility. But there’s a lot of judgement around when children should arrive. I’ve watched people stare at a mum struggle with a toddler tantrum and a new born, instead of offering her a hand. I’ve also seen the look of surprise when a mum of a 7-year old turns up at the school gates after the summer break with a new bump showing. I’ve definitely heard ‘Ooooh, I didn’t know you were going to have another one’ float across the playground. A mother of two-year old twins was pregnant and had to — painstakingly — explain to another mum at the soft play that, no, it wasn’t a mistake and that she did want to be pregnant again even though she had twins the first time.

There are so many little comments that fly around –‘When are you going to give little Johnny a brother or sister’, or ‘What do you want three kids for? Two’s enough for anyone’ — listen in and you’ll pick them up. You may have even been on the end of a stinger yourself. Having a baby seems to give other people permission to say what they like to you and it can so easily impact your choices. You’re already at a vulnerable time of your life. It can be hard to find breathing space to work out what you want to do. You carry the baby and you give birth but you’re not always given the loudest voice in the family planning meetings.

Yes, sensible advice. You can chat it over with your baby mama friends but they are vastly different from you and are just as at-sea with their emotions as you are. Some are made for motherhood, excelling from the get-go, while others find it all-out tough.

Talk to your doctor. Think about getting a female doctor who is also a mother. I don’t say this lightly but a woman who has been in your shoes and has up-to-the-minute knowledge of all the options at her fingertips can only be an asset to you. Find one and cling on to her for dear life.

Don’t believe the urban myths about getting pregnant again.

The choice is yours, but please make sure that you are choosing what’s right for you. You’re the one doing the work.

Related posts:

If you have been following my instagram Hadassah Travels, you will know by now that I went to Europe….actually i did a tour of some cities in Europe. yikes. I will share stories of that experience…

Omgwtfpeoplestopandcountalready! You know how decades work, right? No. Obviously not.

TripsTrade is currently run by its founders with capital allocations going through a MultiSig before being approved. As a small team of two with a well defined mission (deliver a working MVP on time…