Learning To Play With My Feelings?

To lean in and play in the midst of my emotional storm was my greatest gift to myself

In my early years as a mum, I was plagued by guilt for my distinct lack of interest and effort to play with my child. My memories of play as a child tend to be more about conscious socialising rather than spontaneous fun. I frequently wondered if I was too self-absorbed or too disconnected from my inner child.

Recently a mentor asked if I had lived my childhood dream, what would I have become? I thought about how I spent most of my time as a child; I have no doubt I would have become a daydreamer. I spent most of my time in my mind.

And it dawned on me that my perfect Disneyland is my inner world.

Being empathic and highly sensitive, my feelings were my best friend as a child. And I played a lot in my mind. I felt the most alive when I created my own worlds and re-enacted dramatic scenes complete with elaborate dialogues. I imagined myself being loved, being dumped, being pursued, being courageous, being psychotic, being killed, a whole gamut of possibilities. Just so that I can feel the dizzying, addictive aliveness of extreme feelings. It’s my secret world; I can’t imagine anyone else understanding all this craziness happening within me.

Alas, I grew up with little difficulty in empathy. Pain and difficulty, devious motivations, desires of all sorts, morbid thoughts, I have lived it all, at least in my mind. However, without grounded guidance, this secret playtime inevitably proved to be extremely challenging for adult life. I was lost in my mind a lot, yet had very little in real life to reflect a similar level of intensity and tangibility. The drastic contrast and incoherence were tearing me apart.

And I did fall apart when I became a mother when I perceived my life to be burdened by mundane and repetitive routines day and night.

Fluctuating between helplessness and depression, I desperately wanted answers. I learned a lot of tools and resources to stabilise my thoughts…

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